A Tough Decision

Dear Noah

You have only been with us for a little under two months and yet you have taught me much. Today you taught me to trust my instincts as a mother, and as long a your happy and healthy I have made the  right decision.  A message I want to send out to other mothers.

When you came into this world little one you had trouble latching.   At first we thought you had a tight fenulum but the Dr decided you didn't so we avoided having to put you through that procedure.  You where just small, and some babies find it hard to latch.  You lost weight the first week and were even smaller.  I had an abundance of help from wonderful nurses, and lactation consultants. We tried for two months together you and I. I saw your strength and perseverance my son as you had to work twice as hard to get the same amount as milk as other babies. We nursed for hours,  often in tears of frustration on your part and my heart breaking because all I wanted to do was feed you, and the best way I knew how was to nurse.

It would break my heart to hear other babies gulping down their mothers milk and then look down at your furrowed little brow as you nursed away.  Your not being able to latch meant that you found it hard to transfer milk and my milk just didn't seem to come in the way it should because of the lack of stimulation from you.

Because I was nursing almost every hour some days we decided to supplement with organic formula so I could sleep and your father could feed you. It broke my heart to give you formula. I know breast is best and blamed myself for not being able to nurse you the way other mothers could feed their babies.

It took me a while to realize this wasn't about me. I needed to work through my guilt, my disappointment and shame.  When we feed you formula you are fuller, happier and a more content baby. You sleep better, I am able to put you down, you talk and are alert.  No more frustrated baby.  That is what matters.

Others may frown when they see me feeding you with a bottle but that's ok.  I made the decision today that I am ok with bottle feeding you. I prayed about it and I feel at peace with my decision because my instincts tell me you are ok with it and you need it. I will nurse you as long as I have a milk supply as I love nursing you.
I love you Noah and will always do whats best for you.

Your loving mother always
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